Sunday, October 7, 2012

Break down

I have limited my pregnancy reading to a book that is very simple.  Just a week by week with details.  I also do not read ahead.  While I was reading earlier this week I found out that the Ninja is now what they call "viable".  This means he now has about a 70-80% chance of surviving outside the womb.  This reminded we how far we have come, but it also reminded me how much we still need to do.  Nursery stuff, classes, more reading, research, planning, birth planning, to breast feed or not, balancing many pros and cons.....the list goes on and on.  It really is quite overwhelming and it doesn't help that I still feel like doggy doo.

I feel like I have have been strong through this whole pregnancy.  No, you know what?  I HAVE been really strong.  Roll with the punches and keep smiling.  By nature I admit I try to balance too many things at once.  Normally I do this quite well.  I would say it is one of my strengths.  However, this all came to a crashing hault on Saturday.   

It happened.  BREAK DOWN.

I had one pretty mild break down in my 1st trimester where I just cried to Joe.  He of course made it all better, we laughed and it was all good.  Saturday I was unhelpable (is that even a word)? well, that is what I was.  I think it all just caught up with me and hit me like a ton of bricks I was breaking down hard. 

So, what did this girl do?  Ice cream, chocolate?  Hell no.  I jumped in my car and drove.  I didn't know where I was going I just needed to drive and be alone.  Apparently I also needed to bawl my eyes out because that is what happened.  It was uncontrollable crying.  My whole body feels like it is breaking down.  I can't feel my hand or fingers.  I ache everywhere.  I am nauseous.  This is so hard. 

Then I was mad at myself for being such a baby.  I mean who does this?  After years of unexplained infertility here I am with this perfect little miracle in my belly and I am crying?  I know there are tons of ladies who would give their left leg to have a baby.  And I know this because I was once one of these girls.  So then I cried more.  Part of me wanted to call my Dad or reach out to one of my friends, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I needed this in some weird way.  However, I was reminded how many incredible people I have in my life that would have taken my call and listened to me bawl like a little girl. 

Once I calmed myself down enough to see through my tears I knew what I needed to do.....  I went straight to Anthropologie.  The smell alone of this store makes me smile.  Calms me.  And that it did.  Sadly, there was nothing that I loved so I didn't buy anything.  But that was the end of the break down. 

When I got home my body still felt like it was breaking down and I was hurting so bad, however my emotional mind was back in check.  The rest of the night was spent with Ninja kicking and sword fighting all around, Joe, 3 dogs, popcorn, honey crisp apples and movies.  Happiness.   

To kick off the start of my 27th week I treated myself to a 90 minute prenatal massage today (thank you Splashley, I finally used my bday gift card)!  Here we go!  Challenge this week is to slow down a little. 

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