Break down

I have limited my pregnancy reading to a book that is very simple.  Just a week by week with details.  I also do not read ahead.  While I was reading earlier this week I found out that the Ninja is now what they call "viable".  This means he now has about a 70-80% chance of surviving outside the womb.  This reminded we how far we have come, but it also reminded me how much we still need to do.  Nursery stuff, classes, more reading, research, planning, birth planning, to breast feed or not, balancing many pros and cons.....the list goes on and on.  It really is quite overwhelming and it doesn't help that I still feel like doggy doo.

I feel like I have have been strong through this whole pregnancy.  No, you know what?  I HAVE been really strong.  Roll with the punches and keep smiling.  By nature I admit I try to balance too many things at once.  Normally I do this quite well.  I would say it is one of my strengths.  However, this all came to a crashing hault on Saturday.   

It happened.  BREAK DOWN.

I had one pretty mild break down in my 1st trimester where I just cried to Joe.  He of course made it all better, we laughed and it was all good.  Saturday I was unhelpable (is that even a word)? well, that is what I was.  I think it all just caught up with me and hit me like a ton of bricks I was breaking down hard. 

So, what did this girl do?  Ice cream, chocolate?  Hell no.  I jumped in my car and drove.  I didn't know where I was going I just needed to drive and be alone.  Apparently I also needed to bawl my eyes out because that is what happened.  It was uncontrollable crying.  My whole body feels like it is breaking down.  I can't feel my hand or fingers.  I ache everywhere.  I am nauseous.  This is so hard. 

Then I was mad at myself for being such a baby.  I mean who does this?  After years of unexplained infertility here I am with this perfect little miracle in my belly and I am crying?  I know there are tons of ladies who would give their left leg to have a baby.  And I know this because I was once one of these girls.  So then I cried more.  Part of me wanted to call my Dad or reach out to one of my friends, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I needed this in some weird way.  However, I was reminded how many incredible people I have in my life that would have taken my call and listened to me bawl like a little girl. 

Once I calmed myself down enough to see through my tears I knew what I needed to do.....  I went straight to Anthropologie.  The smell alone of this store makes me smile.  Calms me.  And that it did.  Sadly, there was nothing that I loved so I didn't buy anything.  But that was the end of the break down. 

When I got home my body still felt like it was breaking down and I was hurting so bad, however my emotional mind was back in check.  The rest of the night was spent with Ninja kicking and sword fighting all around, Joe, 3 dogs, popcorn, honey crisp apples and movies.  Happiness.   

To kick off the start of my 27th week I treated myself to a 90 minute prenatal massage today (thank you Splashley, I finally used my bday gift card)!  Here we go!  Challenge this week is to slow down a little. 

Lucky

This is the note I woke up to Monday morning.  What a great way to start the day, right?  Especially a Monday!! 

My husband & I have always written notes to each other.  This tiny little detail of just leaving a note got me thinking what a big deal it is.  It can make a crappy start or end to a day better, it can put a smile on your face or make you laugh.  Monday mornings note got me thinking specifically how LUCKY I am to have such an amazing husband.

I am incredibly proud of him for so many things.  I am so lucky to have a husband and best friend who is so kind, loving and smart.  When he says he is going to do something, he does.  One thing he is not is flakey or wishy washy.  He is also a very passionate person- and I am not talking hubba hubba passion right now- I am talking the type of passion in what he loves to do, passion in who he loves, passion in speaking his truth (and if you must know, he also has a lot of "hubba hubba" passion too).  :)    I am also extra lucky because he puts up with my crap. ha ha! 

The above list could go on and on, however the coolest thing to think of now is how LUCKY our Ninja is going to be to have such an incredible Daddy.  The things he will teach our son are going to be so fun and exciting to watch.  And wow, what a great role model the Ninja has to look up to.  I really can't wait.

I am truly blessed, or as this weeks theme will be, LUCKY.   Life is short.  It is very easy to forget the little things like "I will fill my cup in this way" and how each and every one of us has something to feel/be LUCKY for.  You fill in the blank this week-  whats your "lucky"?

Thank you Doo (aka- Joe) for being my LUCKY. 

Today I will fill my cup in this way.....

Thursday I took time in the morning to step away from everything and treat myself to a massage.  Not only am I way overdue for a massage, my body needs it now more than ever. 

This week my nausea, aches, swelling & overall puke feeling have been at an all time high.  The massage was wonderful and for exactly one hour I was able to just relax and let everything go.  Nothing hurt and the nausea ALMOST went away. 

Afterwards I thought of this quote "today I will fill my cup in this way" and committed to doing this exact thing more often.  We get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of our every day lives, this simple thing is so easily overlooked.  Yes, such a simple thing to do, it's just remembering to do it and following through. 

That afternoon Joe and I had an appointment with Dr. D'A for a check up.  Sadly, we were not able to see Dr. D'A as one of her patients had just gone into labor.  We were super bummed, but totally understood.  We got to meet with her Nurse Practitioner and male doctor in her office (both were really great). 

The Ninja is measuring right on track and his heart rate is strong and healthy.

We asked about everything my body continues to go through just to see if there were any remedies that we had not tried yet.  Sad to report- no such luck.  I was advised to sit back and power through.  My right hand stays numb now from fingers to elbow all day now.  I still continue to wear the brace at night so I am not woken up by the throbbing numbness, which works.  My face still looks like a 13 year old, nausea is relentless & I cannot breathe.  My left hand has started to swell throughout the day, but does not give me much trouble at night.  Oh and the sleep.  What sleep?  I am going to be so prepared for this kid if he isn't a sleeper!  If it isn't my aching ligaments, nausea, numb heel - left one only (yes you just read that right), or having to pee, it is this little Ninja having a party in my belly. 

Though the above is incredibly frustrating and I long to feel "normal" again, I am so happy and excited to meet this little Ninja.  I truly cannot wait.  His belly parties always make me smile even when they hurt.  It reminds me he is strong and healthy and that is number one!  Joe and I actually got to see the movement through my skin the other day- HOLY MOLEY! 

So for now, I find smiles as much as possible and promise myself to do more of "today I will fill my cup in this way" while I wait for sweet Ninja to arrive.  15 weeks to go peeps!  Not that this mommy is counting or anything!  haha 

I will leave you with a pic of more Ninja gear!  This reminds me, I better get working on his closet (Sarah G.- I am going to need your help)! 

Ready for football and baseball!  A Broncos gift from Daddy
and a Rockies gift from Auntie J-Dogs incredibly thoughtful Mom.

Random acts of kindness

I was reminded this week how blessed I am to have so many kind, caring, fun, funny & all around great people in my life. 

The other day one of my TT graduates came to get her certification and with her she brought a gift for the Ninja.  I was speechless.  What an incredibly kind gesture.  She said, "I saw this and it was just too cute to pass up".  And she was right, check this out!!

Later in the week I was going through a 5 foot pile of mail (yes, I am really bad about going to the mailbox - our postman probably doesn't appreciate my lack of mail retrieving) & to my surprise FUN mail! A sweet card & gift card from one of my best friend from college. 

Thank you to everyone for phone calls and text messages, (I am quite bad on the phone now days- if you can believe that!), walks in the middle of the day, and the snack gifts. Thanks to my husband for floors being mopped and walking the dogs.  And most important, thanks to everyone for taking time to make me laugh so hard sometimes I am crying, cheeks ache and belly hurts!
It is because of you the crappy nausea and body pains don't hurt as much.  You make it go away with all your love and smiles.  The Ninja and I are so lucky! 

Gifts for the Ninja!

We all know how loved the Ninja is -  now it is important to take notice and say thank you to those who will also be spoiling him rotten!  Nothing less than the best for this little miracle. 

 

Joe and I have been working on the nursery when we have time.  I will be posting more pictures later this week as things start coming together. 

 

A present from Grandma Mary Ann so we can learn how to make Ninja the Happiest Ninja on the Block.  We sure hope so!  We have yet to crack open this DVD and watch, but I have heard good things about it.  I am always open to hearing thoughts from those of you who are already parents.

 

 

 

And a couple gifts from Auntie J-Dog while she was traveling for work in Austin.  So cute!  They say you can never have enough (fun) onesies! 

Welcome!

Today marks the first blog post of my new blog.  La Vida Loca.  I found this title fitting as our life is quite crazy.  Why sugar coat? 

If you have followed me here from STILL you know what that craziness is.  If you are new, please take time to check out the STILL blog.  This blog will always be near and dear to my heart.  It marks in history the journey that my husband and I have been on for the last few years with fertility issues.

The first picture on this blog is that of the Ninja.  This is one of the pictures from his 21 week photo shoot.  We are now into week 23 and kicking (literally) along.  This little Ninja miracle has inspired so many things taking place both before he was a miracle to now. 

I will start to post more and add more pictures to get this blog up and rolling.  Heck, some days I may just post about one of my 3 dogs.  See, La Vida Loca.... 

For  now, welcome and enjoy the ride.